What a year …
25 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
OK, so it’s almost February, which is just a little bit late to be doing a 2011 retrospective post. But 2011 was an enormous year for me, difficult and wonderful, inspiring and heart-breaking, so it’s not surprising that it’s taken me this long to really make sense of things.
The year started out with my husband of nearly 25 years moving out, in the middle of January. It was utterly the right thing for us to do, to separate, but dear god, how hard the beginning of the year was because of it.
So without sharing way more than I want to share or you want to read, here’s a totally unordered list of things that happened in 2011:
- survived the dissolution of my nearly 25-year marriage
- learned to live on my own, for the first time in my life
- didn’t succumb to any of my major addictions – no sugar, no booze – just a bit of overspending
- joined a Buddhist community and ended up taking refuge vows
- took a vacation by myself for the first time ever
- took a 6-hour road trip on my own (furthest I’ve ever driven without company)
- tried doing NaNoWriMo for the first time since 2006, and failed miserably
- found serenity and peace even in the midst of grief through meditation
- salvaged a critical friendship out of the ruins of a marriage
- discovered strength I didn’t know I had
- made friends with my fear
I don’t know what the rest of my life holds, but I survived last year, and even managed to thrive. Universe, please don’t take this as a request for more test, ‘kay? But I’m doing pretty damned well, and am looking forward to more life in my life in the coming months and years.
It’s been a long four months
21 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
Coming back to blogging after a long layoff always feels awkward, so with this post I’ll just say that I’m back, and will have more thoughts on the past four months shortly.
Pace is the trick
26 May 2011 1 Comment
in Life
You know the saying “Not a morning person doesn’t even begin to cover it.”? Yeah, that’s always been me.
So imagine my surprise when I suddenly became a morning person, and am actually enjoying it.
It all came about originally as a concession to my work schedule. I had a change of management at work recently and my delightful nearly full-time telework schedule switched over to needing to be in the office two days a week. The days that I go into the office I get up at 4:45. Yes, that’s oh:dark:thirty in the morning. I struggled for a while with keeping two different schedules–the “in the office” one and the “working from home” one, but quickly realized that simply wasn’t going to work, for so many reasons.
So a couple of weeks ago, on one of my work from home days, I simply decided to get up closer to the time I would when I commute.
It’s been an amazing change. All of the sudden, I had tons of time in the morning in which to meditate, exercise, write, think, be. I no longer have that extreme existential pang upon waking on my commuting days. I’m just getting up on time. If I get to the end of my workday (with or without a commute) and I’m too tired to do anything useful, it doesn’t matter, because chances are I’ve already done something worthwhile with my day other than work. I no longer feel like I’m doing nothing but work–and that’s highly important to me, since I’m so unhappy at my job.
The change has done wonders for my eating program, since now my all meal timings are way more precise, instead of lunch & dinner being at the same time each day and breakfast being whatever time I get up.
I’m having a harder time with the need to go to bed at a reasonable time. I love staying up until midnight, but that’s just not realistic for me anymore.
And that’s OK.
Something eating up our days, I feel it every morning
08 May 2011 3 Comments
So I’ve been the invisible woman again. I wish I could say it was because I’m doing something really cool and time-consuming, but the truth is I’m just living my days in a energy-less funk. I’m learning to be on my own, and since I’m (ahem) nearly 50 and have never really been on my own before, it’s an rough road.
I do have some things planned that may help me break out of this energy suck; more on those as they progress.
Mostly I just want to get out and enjoy this beautiful spring before it turns into beastly summer, and I’m having trouble getting started, getting moving.
Truth is, I’m boring myself to tears. Be glad I’m not writing here more often; I’d hate to be boring you, as well.
Always learning the same lesson
28 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Life
I keep learning this same lesson, over and over and over again.
When something big happens, it may look like the end of the world. It may look like a total disaster, like something you’ll never recover from, like something that is impossible to live with.
But whatever it is, it really is a gift, it really is a lesson, it really is space to grow into.
I posted this quote from Pema Chodron on my Facebook page the other day:
”Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we don’t know. We never know if we’re going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure.”
I know I will still struggle against change, but I also know that if I can go into any change and look at it as having the potential as the start of a great adventure, maybe I will finally learn this lesson for good.
Peeling off the layers
18 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Life
One way I can tell that spring is coming is that I’ve started peeling the layers of warmth off the bed.
At the depth of the cold of winter, I had 5 layers keeping me warm each night: flannel sheets, a blanket, an electric blanket, a comforter, and an afghan.
Two nights ago, I took the afghan off. Last night, I took the blanket off. Soon the sheets will no longer be flannel, the electric blanket will be gone, and the comforter will change over to a summer-weight bedspread.
It’s so nice to sleep at a comfortable temperature without all the weight of warmth on me. I think there’s a metaphor in there somewhere …
Revisiting some old friends
16 Mar 2011 2 Comments
I’ve been going back to some old favorite books recently, and it’s been very rewarding.
First, I revisited Roger Zelazny’s Amber series–the first set. I’ve got them in the old Science Fiction Book Club two-book set, which is how I’ve always read them.
I was pleased to find that the books not only hold up well, but blew me away all over again. The writing is sometimes a little awkward (and of course now that I’m writing this, I couldn’t give you an example to save my life – there’s a reason I’m not a book reviewer!), but when it works, it’s achingly beautiful, mind-blowing, and instructive to any writer who aspires to write in this lyrical fashion.
I was amazed to find that I’ve read this edition of the books so many times that even after all the years since I last read them, I was anticipating the typos – I knew where the misprints all were. Weird how the memory works.
Now I’m on to Peter Beagle’s The Last Unicorn. Talk about lyrical writing! I’m amazed that I enjoyed this book when I was younger; it’s not a style I remember myself liking. But the book is just so moving, and beautiful, and funny, and sad, and breathtaking.
Next I might re-read Ursula LeGuin’s Earthsea trilogy; or maybe Dune, although I don’t think I still have a copy of it; or maybe The Hobbit.
Spring of rebirth
15 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Life
Ok, so I disappeared from here for months. Yeah, yeah. I had good reason – a life-changing event. It was a blow, and I was emotional, and I really didn’t want to talk about all that here.
So, here I am, back and realizing it’s almost spring, and I’m feeling the need to be writing here again.
Will I write regularly? Precedent is against me, but stranger things have happened.
Will I be writing regularly, meaning: will I be writing fiction again? Maybe. I’m in the process of plotting a novel, which is something I’ve never done before. It’s an old work I never got very far with, something from the mid-1990s, but it has a lot of resonance with my life as it is now. So I’m taking it apart and trying to put it back together in a way that’s more satisfying that my mid-1990s self could have done.
I may start the Artist’s Way again. I may try teaching myself to play the piano. I may explode in an shower of trying to do too much all at once. It wouldn’t be the first time.
But this is my life now. I’m back on the road again.
End of the month
30 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
in Life
It’s been a long, difficult month, but I’ve at least been somewhat present here every day, so that’s something.
Whatever the new month brings, I’m there for it. I’d say I welcome it, but I’ve learned not to challenge the universe. It’s too crafty for me.
